do slings create clingy children

Do Slings Create Clingy Children?

Mum and baby on the beach
Only Mummy will do when overwhelmed

Do slings create clingy children?

Many parents worry that by carrying their baby in a sling, that they are going to create a “clingy child” who won’t be put down. There is a lot of pressure from society to "put your baby down", a fear that responding to the cries of a child will somehow spoil them. Many people believe that children need to be trained into early "independence" and that too much love holds a child back. This is very, very incorrect.

It is disconcerting for a babywearing mother who has carried her child frequently from birth to find that he wants to be held much more than his contemporaries, and when the time comes (if it does) for childcare from other individuals, her baby may protest very vigorously and will not allow another adult to look after him.

All too often, at this point, the words “rod for your own back” surface and the use of the sling is blamed for the child’s behaviour, labelled as “clinginess”. People can use this as a reason to reinforce fears that a child has been "ruined" by the cuddles. For a new parent,  doubt can creep in; a fear that somehow, somewhere, a wrong choice has been made and a child’s independence has been stunted by keeping them too close.

Watching parents and children struggle to separate can have an influence on bystanders; encouraging them to think that sling use is more trouble than it is worth. They are wrong.

BreastfeedingSecure Attachment Matters

It would be worth at this point, to briefly recap the value of close bonding and secure attachment. Close contact that began at birth and has continued uninterrupted will have initiated, facilitated and consolidated a positive bonding process (mediated by oxytocin).

Such children are likely to have secure, positive attachments to their primary caregivers, which is essential to their physical and psychological health. This is how to build a happy brain; responsive parenting. Children who know their own value and have a rock-solid foundational experience of having their basic needs met, will have trust and confidence in the loving adult relationships around them. This builds resilience, a vital tool to help children thrive despite adversity.

When it is biologically appropriate, they will be more able to turn to independent play as they know and trust their mother is there, even if out of sight; she will not abandon them, she has consistently always come back. As they grow older (towards their first birthday), and begin to develop more co-ordination and independence in movement under their own steam, they will have the underlying security to roam further and further freely. This takes time to develop, and individual personalities play an important part in this.

child beginning to discover movement
Beginning to discover movement

With this natural, biological change and development in their bodies, they will also demand less frequent contact, less frequent feeding, and begin to expand their horizons. This is often the point at which carried babies begin to want to be carried less; to reach for the floor where they can explore, and investigate the world around them. They may even begin to refuse the sling from time to time, often to the carrying parent’s chagrin!

Modern society expects children to become independent individuals extremely young, praising and rewarding those first shuffles forwards, first crawls and first steps, and being quick to criticise or discourage behaviour that demonstrates need. However, it is normal for babies to express their needs, such biologically appropriate behaviour should not be “trained out of them”.

If a child has been carried in arms or a sling from birth and has strong, secure bonds with his caregivers, it is entirely normal for him to expect support from these caregivers in the way he has always experienced it, whenever he asks for it. The neural connections in his growing brain have been solidly reinforced over and over again. It is also normal for him to protest when he is removed from his trusted habitat and asked to accept different caregivers he may not know. This child is not “clingy” in the sense our society means it; it simply means he is habituated to the close contact he has enjoyed all his life, just as his ancestors were; and such close contact is normal for human babies.

With the natural progression of his emotional and psychological development, as well as the growth of his physical skills and strength, his needs will change. Until that stage is reached, a child will expect continuity of care and for things to remain unchanged. The eight month to twelve month period is often when children experience separation anxiety and often coincides with things like parental return to work, introduction of new spaces and places, and of course the sling will play a part in providing reassurance, until a child is ready to move on. It is a safe space, rather than being the root of any “clinginess”.

In our society, babies are carried much less and put down a lot more than they used to be. Some fairly recent British data in 2000 (Baildam et al 2000) suggests that mothers spent an average of just 61 minutes in 24 hours simply holding their sleeping or crying six week old child. This figure was only 17 minutes when the child reached one year old.

a six week old baby
A six week old just sleeping in arms

When feeding contact was added to the data, 6 week old infants spent an average of 3hrs 27minutes out of 24hrs in contact with their mothers, and 2hrs 23minutes at one year old. Given the trends in current mainstream society, this is likely to have declined further.

For many babies, their parent’s body has never been their primary habitat, their early communication attempts were never met positively, and for some, their bonding may be less secure and demonstrate more insecure or ambivalent patterns. Earlier “separation” may have been gained, but at some cost to future mental health.

Don't be afraid to hold your unhappy baby or to use a sling if they want to be close to you (it means you can be hands-free while you meet their needs). It is always worth building secure attachment relationships. Your baby's babyhood does not last; soon they will no longer need you in the same way, build that solid foundation while you can!

Normal Independence

So, when does normal, biological independence for the human child develop fully when allowed to proceed at its own pace? Well, personality plays a part in this; a single family may have very different children who have been parented the same way and yet have different needs and develop confident independence at different times. Generally, however, anthropological studies would suggest that full independence would occur when a child has completely self-weaned from breastfeeding and bed-sharing, no longer requests frequent in-arms carrying, being able to reliably move from place to place unaided, and able to verbally communicate effectively; usually around age three for carrying (even only occasionally, in piggy back form). Breastfeeding and bed-sharing often continues much longer in more traditional societies.

back carry
Still enjoying a sling piggy back from time to time

This is much, much later than the socioeconomic model many of us live in. Children are incredibly adaptive, and as there is so much technology available and so much societal pressure to encourage this early separation, this often means that babies can and do learn to need their parent less than they normally would at their current age.

They can learn to not to raise their arms or cry for contact, they can learn to stop asking for breastmilk, and they can learn to sleep alone, however they may be missing out on much of the opportunity for emotional and psychological growth in these crucial formative years. This is the current societal norm; to put babies down rather than hold them close.

So it is no surprise when a parent chooses a more instinctive and natural means of rearing their child, that clashes develop with other parents and older generations who have simply done what the culture around them does and did before them. Why change things?

Grandparents may feel rejected if they feel their own child has chosen to parent differently from them; gentle discussion about current research and new understanding of child development and tactful understanding can go a long way in resolving such conflicts.

Many families will feel they have little chance to spend as much time with their children as they would wish due to work pressures; regret or resentment about this may manifest itself as criticism of others who are able to care for their children in a different way. They may not know there are comfy slings for older children; would it be worth visiting the local sling library?

Sleeping in Slings

People often worry that their babies will only ever sleep in a sling or resting on them. This is the natural, normal place for a child to sleep, in the haven of his parent’s secure provision. A baby falls asleep when he feels warm, safe and loved; it is no surprise that babies love to sleep in their parents’ arms; and as we have discussed, as they grow, their need for this will gradually decline.

sleeping in a sling
This little boy fell asleep in the sling… a successful transfer to bed (Risaroo Wovens)

If you have the kind of life that cannot allow a child’s sleep physiology (or accepting non-parental child-care etc) to mature at its natural pace, then it would be wise to ensure that your baby is well used to happily and easily and trustingly settling to sleep in different locations; or well used to care from other trusted adults and this will be easier if he has the underlying attachment foundations and parents who respond to his need as it arises; he will trust them that the places they lay him to sleep are secure, once he is a little older with the psychological maturity to accept this.

Summary

In summary; slings will not make clingy children; your child is demonstrating normal human infant behaviour, and has had a very positive start to life with a securely attached foundation to build on. All children eventually learn to feed themselves, settle themselves to sleep, walk unaided and accept care from other adults; some learn it sooner than others, but they do all learn it, and as parents, it is our responsibility to choose a method of childrearing that feels right to us and is going to give our children the best start in life possible in the circumstances we live in.

 

References

Baildam, E. M., Hillier, V. F., Menon, S., Bannister, R. P., Bamford, F. N., Moore, W. M. O., and Ward, B. S. (2000). Attention to infants in the first year. Child: Care, Health and Development, 26:199–216.


The unhelpful "rules" of babywearing

There are so many unhelpful rules of babywearing. I'm not talking about basic safety guidelines, but about the unspoken rules about how things must be done.

This needs addressing. I love babywearing. I love how special it is. I love how empowering and enabling it can be and what a difference it can make to children and their carers and the society around them.

I also love that it just makes life work for so many people on a practical level, regardless of all the benefits and reasons about why it is an activity that matters. Babywearing may be magical for many, and has so many positive effects on a physiological and neurological level, but really, for some, it’s just about getting stuff done, keeping the cogwheels of daily life turning, or helping to survive very tough situations.

I have watched thousands of people carrying their children all around the world and I love that I am part of a tradition of child rearing that goes back beyond the history books into our anthropological origins. I love it so much that I wrote a book all about it!

Carrying children is normal human behaviour, and it isn’t, and shouldn’t be, complicated or difficult. It shouldn’t be scary, inaccessible or expensive. It does not belong to groups of people to “own” or to build tall walls around to make things secret or elitist. Babywearing (the use of a sling or carrier to keep a child safe and close to a parent) is for everyone, every gender, every colour, every ability, every size, every shape. Babywearing should bring us together, not divide us. It should not alienate or exclude entire groups of people.

However, as the practice becomes more mainstream and the industry grows, this alienation is unfortunately happening more and more often. Marketing campaigns and the general make-up of many babywearing groups suggests that this is an activity for relatively well-off middle class “standard sized” white women in nuclear families, carrying able-bodied and healthy children. This is a direction that needs to be arrested before it becomes too entrenched. I’ll say it again, babywearing is for everyone and can be done in so many ways.

the unhelpful rules of babywearing
carry me daddy
the unhelpful rules of babywearing
Smiling Carrying Woman carrying baby - credit Steph Oliver-Beech benefits of babywearing

One way that babywearing can become elitist is in the development of complex rules, and I’d like to have a discussion about some of these “rules” and “guides” of babywearing that I am seeing shared around. I understand that it can feel reassuring to have black and white lists of what you can and can’t do, and schedules for certain types of carrying. These can act as a framework for where to begin with using a sling. This is valuable, especially as many of us have lost the shared collective wisdom that comes from living in communities and no longer learn how to parent from the people living around us. Many of us turn to books and to the internet and ask for guidance.

However, I think these “rules” often end up making things harder and disempowering the very people who need the most support. Here are some common examples.

Some commonly stated "Rules"

  • Do not use a stretchy wrap beyond three months
  • Do not back carry with a stretchy wrap
  • Do not use a soft structured carrier for a newborn
  • Do not do any form of sideways cradle carry
  • Do not use a narrow based carrier
  • Do not face your child out in a carrier
  • Do not back carry a baby before they can sit unaided
  • Do not back carry a newborn in a ring sling
  • Low back carries are dangerous, high back carries are much better
  • Once your baby is walking you must begin to use a toddler-size carrier
  • Bigger children must be carried on the back
  • Do not use footed pyjamas for babies in slings

I could go on…

These rules can be useful, but often they exclude significant proportions of the population. You can use a stretchy wrap to carry an older child, if they are safe and comfy. You can use your stretchy wrap in many ways, including on the back, if your child is safe and comfy. You can use a soft structured carrier for a newborn, if it fits them and is safe and comfy. You can carry a child in a sideways seated position or even a cradle carry, and facing out, if they are safe and comfy. You can use a narrow based carrier for a baby or a baby sized carrier for a toddler, if they are safe and comfy. You can carry a baby on your back in any form of carrier if they are safe and comfy. You can carry any age baby on your back or your front if they are safe and comfy. You can carry your child who is wearing footed pyjamas if the child is safe and comfy (ie their toes have room to wiggle). You can carry your child whatever size you are. In fact, you can do pretty much anything you want to do, if your baby is safe and comfy.

Do you get the theme?

I think the only “rules” when it comes to carrying a child in any form of sling are

  1. Can they breathe safely and without any obstruction at all times?
  2. Are they being held safely and securely in a carrier that fits (to ensure they are able to breathe easily and cannot slump into a position that would obstruct their airway)?
  3. Are they as comfortable as the circumstances allow?

How do you check if a child is breathing safely in the carrier?

  • Look at them, listen to them, be aware of them.
  • Check their airways are free of any fabric and they are not slumping or folded over with their ribcage compressed and chin on the chest.

How do you ensure they are safe and snug in the carrier and that it fits?

  • A well fitting carrier holds a child close to the parent, close enough that if the parent leans forwards, the child does not swing free. This helps to avoid slumping over in the carrier.
  • If a child’s body can slump, the carrier does not fit or is not tight enough.
  • The “knee to knee” rule is often overstated in its importance for older children (the M shape can be protective for children at risk of hip dysplasia in the early months.)

How do you ensure they are comfortable in the carrier?

  • This is all about being responsive and connected to the child being carried.
  • They should fit inside the carrier, be able to breathe safely, and should not be too hot (overheated babies are more likely to stop breathing).
  • Check on your child, be aware of their experience and how they are behaving in the carrier. The more you interact with your child the more you will know that they are OK (or not!)

If your baby is safe, able to breathe and is comfortable, and you feel confident that all is well, then it probably is well. Carry right on! And if you would like some encouragement, find a friendly educator and help them learn how to support you in a way that builds you up and keeps you carrying happily.

It is important to remember that every child and every parent has different needs. Parents of twins may need to be able to back carry one twin from a very early age, to be able to cope with family life. They may choose to use a buckle carrier on the back, and if the child is able to breathe safely and is not uncomfortable then that makes their lives work. Telling them this is forbidden creates needless barriers and makes life harder. A stretchy wrap for a one year old may not be as comfortable as a woven wrap, but for a parent on a budget who now has a less-unhappy toddler held close while the baby can be cleaned, this is a win-win situation. A four month old who will will only tolerate facing out in a narrow based carrier can be happily transported on a school run. Millions of women around the world have carried young babies in low torso carries with simple pieces of cloth.  A disabled child who cannot sit unaided can be held safely and securely on the back in several types of carrier which will definitely make everything much easier. Do be aware of how your language and how you educate can affect others and significantly disempower people.

Oh, but these rules are for normal people!” This is a common dismissal of any criticism of “rules” and is unbelievably inappropriate. Our society is made up of people of all abilities and all skills. More than one billion people in today’s world have a disability; that’s 15% of the population. This ratio may not be reflected in the proportion of children who are brought to babywearing groups, just like people of colour are missing from these gatherings. The fault is not theirs; it is ours. We must be more inclusive and we must make efforts to reach out to people. Just imagine how different things could be, if some of these walls of prejudice were pulled down from the inside.

Grainne and Tessa are a great example of how babywearing can actually empower beyond the “rules.” Little Tessa was born without a nose (arhinia) and had to have a tracheostomy when she was very young. Her family were told that she was safest to be sleeping in a separate room with various wires and monitors attached to her for any alerts in a change of breathing. In fact, Grainne decided to wear Tessa in a sling, keeping her close and safe and visible at all times; if Tessa stopped breathing, Grainne would see it and feel it as it happened, thanks to the sling (read more about them here.) The sling made life work for them, and also made it much happier during some very tough times. Common sense, knowledge of safety and a willingness to bend the rules worked together to enhance their lives, when they could so easily have missed out.

carrying in special circumstances

This is a superb blog for further reading; all about ableism in the babywearing community and I urge you to read it.

http://bindungtraegt.de/ableismback-wearing/


Beginning to Back Carry

When is it safe to begin back carrying with a sling? This is one of the most frequent questions I am asked and I usually answer with more questions, as there is no one single answer!

Children have been carried on their parent’s backs since the dawn of the human race, because it is a simple and convenient way to carry a child around as you get on with daily life. Families in different cultures from our own tend to share parenting skills and knowledge within the community, so there needs to be no formal teaching, it is just what has always been done and everyone learns how to do it from observation and previous experience (siblings often carry new babies). Babies in traditional families are back carried in pieces of cloth from a very young age without any fuss. It is normal behaviour, and allows meals to be prepared and water to be collected while baby sleeps peacefully in a safe place.

cultural appropriation
from The Eyes of Children Around the World
from The Eyes of Children Around the World

This is a very different way of doing things than in our Western culture, where we have lost much of the communal family life we once had, and parenting skills are no longer passed on in the same way. These days, we need to learn about how to care for our newborns from other sources than our local neighbours; we create virtual villages with social media, rely on organised groups of mums and look on the internet for information about feeding and sleeping. Carrying methods are just the same; infants are not routinely carried in slings and thus we need to ask for advice. This is where sling libraries and consultants are so useful; they are parents who have discovered carrying skills for themselves, honed and practised these skills, and wish to share their expertise with other parents so that carrying can be promoted – carrying children matters.

Front carrying is the most common position for young babies; central or slightly off centre, as this mimics natural in-arms carrying that babies enjoy so much. The closeness and sight of your newborn promotes oxytocin release (vital in attachment) and adds a measure of confidence for you, being able to see any changes in breathing patterns and allow quick and easy rearrangements if needed).


Back carrying can be a particularly contentious issue in Western culture; nobody seems sure what the “rules” are and lots of different advice can be given out.

Back carrying can be done from almost any age, with appropriate care and caution for protection of airway and spine, and with the appropriate sling to facilitate this safe positioning (see the position image). Quite often, parents who have learned how to back carry older children will feel more ready to begin this with their new babies at an early stage, if they want. However, you can learn to carry your first baby on your back and there will be support from professionals if you need it – it can make a big difference, having a guiding hand as it can be scary! The more confident you are with handling your baby and your carrier, the easier it will be.

Not every type of sling is suitable for back carrying. For example, while some buckle carriers do carry newborns very safely on the front, they are usually snug and high up on the chest (close enough to kiss) and any changes in airway position can be quickly seen and corrected. It is much harder to monitor your newborn baby in the same buckle carrier on your back (which will usually end up quite low) and to be sure that your baby is properly supported inside the panel without any slumping over or chin sinking onto the chest. (This is due to their immaturity and greater muscle fatiguability even when they have some head control). Most buckle carrier manufacturers will state their minimum age for using on the back and it is wise to respect this.

Je Porte Mon Bebe (hybrid stretchy wrap) back carry
Je Porte Mon Bebe (hybrid stretchy wrap) back carry

Some stretchy wraps can be used for back carries (see here for more) if they are designed to do so and have been appropriately tested. It is a common myth that you should never use a stretchy for a back carry, however they can be very hard to do well. It requires skill and this is best learned from someone who knows how to do it, for safety. Some people will choose to use a different carrier that they find easier or more convenient.

Let’s look at some common questions around back carrying.

Can I carry my newborn baby on my back?

Yes, newborns can indeed be carried safely and comfortably. They will need frequent feeding and changing, but many will settle happily to sleep in a back carry. The safest way to do this is usually with a soft and floppy woven wrap. This is because woven wraps are a collection of individual strands and can be carefully tightened section by section to ensure your baby is fully supported from neck to kneepit, with the airway open, spine kept in the physiologically appropriate gentle curve and knees just gently apart to preserve healthy hip positioning. Such back carries are usually done high up on the parent’s back, so they are able to see their baby’s face and feel their breathing on the back of their neck. Most people will choose to do the simple rucksack carry, as the ruck pass doesn’t overspread the hips, and the single layer doesn’t drag fabric at an angle against the back. (Some babywearing schools will insist that this is the best carry to use for the first six months; other schools of thought are more flexible, but on the whole, ruck carries do work best for very young babies). Getting baby up onto the back can be a challenge; the Slingababy video below shows one way to do so safely.

Some very mouldable mei tais (usually made of wrap fabric for the mouldability and control) can be used for back carrying young babies too.

Older babies can be carried in wraps lower down, as in the African pictures above, as the fabric moulds around them properly. It is a common myth that all babies are best off in a high wrap back carry, or that they are safer; it is all in the positioning and skill to keep their airways open. Many parents find lower back carries can be more comfortable than higher ones, especially if they have back pain. It is worth trying a few carries out to see which works best for you and your baby. Videos from trusted sources can be useful, however, not every video on YouTube is a good one; some neglect basic safety checks, and not everyone finds videos an useful way to learn things. Your local sling professional should be able to support you!

Babywearing back carry newborn

When can I put my baby on my back in a soft structured carrier? (eg meh dai, full buckle carrier)

There are no real “rules”. “Rules” are often misunderstood/misinterpreted and can cause needless delay. It is worth noting that most structured carrier manufacturers will have guidelines regarding their use for different positions, and it would be wise to read these to ensure you are within warranty. Every parent needs to make their own decisions regarding when it becomes appropriate to back carry, weighing up their need/desire to back carry with considerations for safety and security. All carriers must provide enough support to prevent slumping and airway compromise.

On the whole, most people feel that the best time to begin back carrying in structured panelled carriers (that may not mould in the same way as a wrap or floppy mei tai and are unable to provide neck support to heavy heads, and generally sit quite low down on the body rather than keeping babies high up near the parent’s neck) is when baby’s upper body and torso muscles are strong enough. They need to have enough endurance to be consistently able to support themselves and hold their heads upright for a significant amount of time without tiring. This typically occurs when babies are beginning to sit unaided (or nearly). This commonly happens around six months, on average – it varies from child to child.

Some children may take longer to develop upper body control, but their parents may be struggling to carry them on the front; do go and see your local sling specialist who can help you find some solutions to this problem and keep you carrying. Generally, if the carrier fits your child properly and provides the necessary support, you can back carry in it. (This will apply to children with disabilities for example; it can take longer to gain head control but back carrying may be important. The right carrier that fits well and is used optimally may work just fine; do go and get some help!) Read more about back carrying children with special needs here in a fantastic article about ableism in the babywearing community.

Some parents will feel the need to back carry a little earlier, for example, parents of twins. The TwinGo carrier suggests that their carrier is suitable for babies of 4months plus, with “strong and consistent” head control. Of course, this control comes to some babies sooner than others, and factors such as the size of your baby and the width of the carrier may play a part in decision making, as well as the presence of other adults for support should your baby need some help.

It is possible to monitor your young baby’s safety on your back with useful items such as mirrors, plus you can often add head and neck support using the hoods. Don’t be afraid to ask a professional for help!

carry me daddy

How can I get my baby on my back?

This usually depends on the carrier you are using, and your levels of confidence, and the community you are part of. If you have grown up watching your family carry babies, it will feel like second nature – but if not, this is where getting advice and support can be so very useful.

Back carries with buckles and meh dais are relatively straightforwards and there are many ways to do it. Some manufacturers will have very simple instructions (which may not always be the most easy to follow), and there are videos on YouTube. It is always best to look at videos with a critical eye to see how well it is done, and those made by trained professionals who are used to making videos are usually the most reliable. My back carry with buckle videos may be useful here – at no point is baby or carrier unsecured.

Here is a link to my photo tutorial for the “walk like an Egyptian” method.

The key thing is to know your carrier and know your child. Being familiar with the buckle placement or or how to tie knots/tighten webbing is important. If you have a willing child who will comply with back carrying, it will be easier to practice, however, if your child is very unwilling, it may be best to wait for another day. You may be able to distract your child with a small toy as you go, and mirrors are useful so they can still see your face if they are not used to seeing the back of your head and wonder where you have gone!

Your local sling resources will be happy to teach you and this may be a very good way of rapidly improving your technique and confidence.

Back carries with a ring sling can be very useful, especially as the “seat” of the carry is created on the front or side of the parent, and then shifted around to the back. There is a knack to this, and also several ways to make the carry more secure and comfortable.

Back carries with woven wraps can be more tricky, as the fabric needs to be tightened around the child bit by bit, and again, a willing child is a blessing for those learning how to do it. The age at which you start will influence your choice of method; most experts will suggest a bundled “santa toss” with the baby already secured in the pouch for newborns, as this is the most controlled and safe way. Of course this will depend on your previous experience. Older children (3months plus with hips opened enough to sit on the hip), can also be put on the back using the hip scoot. Over the shoulder “superman” tosses are popular, it is wise to ensure you are fully supporting your baby by their shoulders, rather than holding them only by their arms (which can put some pull strain on shoulder joints). It takes practice to do it well – even seasoned babywearers who feel confident can find back carrying with a woven wrap a challenge, and none of us get it right every time – the “wrapping mojo” is real!

I really do recommend seeing a professional to get some help and teaching if you are planning to back wrap a young baby, as there is a lot to get right. For example, the correct tension to support neck and airway for safe breathing, getting it snug all round to avoid baby slumping to one side or slipping down inside, and getting the right amounts of slack out at various points to ensure there isn’t too much tightness around the neck and the knees which can leave red marks. Some people do teach themselves to back carry with videos and manuals and with their peers, but there is no harm and much to be gained from trained support (just the same as getting support with breastfeeding, or learning to drive a car – an instructor will probably help you to be ready for your driving test sooner than a non-professional.) I have some videos here which I feel may be best as reminders.

Back carries can be useful for pregnant mums, once the bump gets a bit too big for front carries, or if pelvic pain strikes, making hip carries hard (these are best limited if possible anyway, to avoid uneven loading of loosening ligaments). It is wise to build up your strength and tolerance for carrying as your body changes; little and often is key.

In summary, back carrying can be great fun. It is challenging to do well, and takes practice, however, once mastered and done safely, it can be very satisfying, and for many, it adds a new lease of life to their carrying journey. I do urge you to seek the services of teachers to help if you are finding it hard, or uncomfortable – we are here to support you and empower you to keep on carrying!

And don’t forget; sometimes front carries are just as lovely!

carrying a premature baby

when the time comes to stop carrying

When the time comes to stop carrying....

There will come a time when you stop carrying your child. This is likely to bring very mixed emotions.

Our lives as parents are full of the most exciting and precious “firsts”; the first flutter, the first cry, the first kiss. Then comes the first feed, the first smile, the first word, the first steps. Not all firsts are delightful, of course… but at least there is some relief in getting some of these hurdles done and dusted; the first injury, the first day at nursery, the first day at big school..

Inevitably, there are “lasts” too. Sometimes these are planned and some are welcomed; the last injection, the last day at pre-school before the long holidays, the last day in a plaster cast. Many “lasts” creep up on us unnoticed, which is a mercy; would you want to know that tomorrow your child would no longer ask for milk, that yesterday was the last time your child would agree to hold your hand in public, or that you’d just carried your child in your arms for the last time? It’s inevitable… our tiny babies grow bigger, and they just don’t stop growing, until before we know it, we have toddlers, and then pre-schoolers, and then school-age kids, teenagers, and one day our children will have children of their own.

All parents stop carrying their children eventually, for many reasons.

  • Some stop soon after birth, because they feel their bodies aren’t strong enough and that their baby is too heavy (this is usually just a matter of finding the right sling to be comfy and supportive, getting muscles used to it and then carrying daily. Many families carry toddlers and preschoolers in slings with great happiness and in comfort. Do go and see your local sling library for help.
  • Some may stop out of fear that the sling isn’t on right or isn’t safe. It is good to be safe and to know how to use your sling well; this is where sling libraries and consultants come in. They can help you build your confidence and keep you carrying happily. See the TICKS guidelines and “Sling Safety” for more.
  • Others may stop out of fear that too much carrying will spoil a child and make them clingy (for a full discussion of the cultural misconceptions behind this please see here – “Do Slings Make Children Clingy?”). In summary; a sling won’t spoil your child and will actually help their emotional development.
  • Still others will stop because their baby doesn’t seem to enjoy being in a sling at all. This can be easy to sort out (see “Help! My child cries in the sling” for some further reassurance and troubleshooting).
  • Some will stop because a child who has previously been happy is now wriggling and pushing away and it seems that they have outgrown the carrier (this is often due to visibility issues, which can be easy to fix  –  options such as hip carries, back carries can be very useful. Do go and see your local sling resource for help.)
  • Some will stop because their child is now able to walk and “no longer needs carrying…” This isn’t true, big kids like to be carried too! Some toddlers will go on “sling strike” for a while as they want to explore their new skills of walking and many will come back to the cuddle of the carrier when they are ready, on their own terms. It is usually best to be guided by your child.

when the time comes to stop carrying

And finally – some will stop because their older child no longer wishes or needs to be carried; and this is where my daughter and I are now. I cannot carry my son any more; he is eight years old and hefty and I am just not strong enough (I still hold his hand as he drifts off to sleep every night, long may it last – every chance for connection is so precious). My little big girl is 5 and started school in September, she is still light and portable, but she really doesn’t want carrying much these days. We carry in arms and with piggybacks more than slings, probably, but from time to time when she is tired or overwhelmed,  she will ask for a carrier; and specifies which one too. The ring sling (purple, please!!!).. the clip one (no, not that one, THAT one!)… or the wrap (on the front today, Mummy.. no, on the back! no, front, haha! Can we have the Elsa one today? Oh, there’s a new wrap, can I have a sweet if you want a go Mummy?) She really surprised me by asking for a sling almost every day of our last summer holiday; probably as I wasn’t working and was therefore more “available” to carry her and she wanted to make the most of it. I loved every last second of each snuggle, being wistfully aware that our carrying days are numbered.

She’s been in slings all her life, since she was a newborn. It hasn’t harmed or slowed her development; she crawled and walked and ran at the expected ages, is fiercely independent and is often a speck in the distance running far ahead. She is strong and lithe and fast on her feet. She sleeps all night in her own bed. She sings all day long and she sings herself to sleep; and I am convinced the slings played their part in our family journey together.

I’ve used slings that I chose both for their comfort and their beauty, and we have enjoyed great happiness in them together. But they have also brought us great value beyond their functionality. The slings have allowed us to be connected physically for far longer than would otherwise be possible with only-in-arms carrying. They have helped us to bond and to communicate (I am deaf and have to lipread), they helped us to recover from illness or sadness, they have allowed us to explore our glorious Peak countryside off the beaten track.

The closeness and security she has gained from knowing she can be held close when she needs it has given her freedom and self-confidence; a rock solid foundation from which to explore the world. It was easy to talk to strangers from the sling as she was at an equal height rather than always being small and looked down-on, and now that she stands on her own two feet looking up at people, her assured friendliness continues (as many visitors to our house will testify!)

I will be forever grateful for the role our slings have played in family life; and each carry now is tinged with nostalgia. One day it will have been the last time. Until then, I will carry her whenever she asks, and enjoy every single second.


beyond the knee to knee

Beyond the "Knee to Knee"

How much does it really matter to have a carrier that fits from one kneepit to the other? Read on for a discussion of this topic that moves beyond the knee to knee.

Quite a few people visit  my sling library on the lookout for toddler carriers, as their little ones are “no longer knee to knee” in the sling that they have, and asking me what comes next!
In Sheffield the problem arises particularly in relation to Sleepy Nico baby carriers, which are very well loved here. People are reluctant to move into other carriers that may not feel so comfy,, but don’t wish to hurt their children or be unsafe by using a sling that may be too small, or moving to a “toddler size” that may actually be too big!. There is a lot of conflicting information on the internet about the sizing of carriers which many people find very confusing to navigate….

SO…

1) What is knee to knee?

Knee to knee simply means that the carrier you are using supports your child across the full width of both thighs, from one knee to the other, reaching into the knee pit. This ensures a comfortable seat for your child, more like sitting in a hammock, than perching on a stool. The diagram below shows a carrier that is reaching knee to knee, and the side on view shows how this will create a comfortable seat.healthy hips hip dysplasia slings

Having the knees raised above bottom also increases flexibility at the hip joint and makes it easier to flex and extend. Try it yourself! Sit astride a chair, facing the back. See how easy it is to shuffle forwards, keeping your legs flat on the chair seat, to get your symphysis pubis (the front pelvic bone) to touch the back of the chair. Those of us with lovely flexible hips who can do the Buddha position easily will find this a doddle, but others of us will find it a little sore as the ligaments get strained. You can release this tension instantly by bringing your knees up above the level of your bottom, and this will often tuck your pelvis inwards, bringing a little curve to the base of your spine. This position you have created is called the M shape, for obvious reasons, and is the ideal position, supported knee to knee with bottom a little lower. There are a few circumstances where this standard recommendation may not be appropriate, and more care will need to be taken, such as children with hyperextension conditions, or achondroplasia for a start. If you are at all unsure, do see your local sling and carrier consultant or ask for advice from trained professionals. We are always happy to help with tailored advice! For more information if a narrow based carrier will harm your child’s hips, see my “Healthy Hips” article.

2) What if my carrier seems to be no longer knee to knee?

There are usually several factors to consider here, depending on the age of your child.

Firstly, is your young child sitting in the M shape, with their bottom sitting deeply in the panel, and knees raised up with pelvis tilted? This often makes a big difference to how young children sit in carriers, and you may find it instantly makes things more comfortable for you and your child, especially if the panel has also previously felt too short. It is worth taking your time over positioning your child really well and may extend the life of your carrier for some time.

Older children who can stand and walk do not need the same level of support and will be fine if the carrier offers them good thigh support. It should keep them in a comfy seated position with lower legs bent at the knee, at right angles is fine. Older children have more muscle strength and co-ordination, and can help to grip on, so they do not need full knee to knee. They need more space and freedom to move, and will want to get down more often anyway! In this photo the sling is not reaching to the kneepit but to mid-thigh. Just make sure there is no digging in of the fabric along the thigh, and no pinning of knees with wrap fabric passes.

Secondly, is your child central in the carrier? I find that people have a tendency to hold their children slightly off centre when in arms, and then bring the panel up from that place so the child remains in a similar off-centre position. This will mean that one leg is less well supported than the other, and can lead to leaning and discomfort. Keeping a child central will often improve comfort both for your child, and for you.

Thirdly, is your child comfortable or not? Older children may be able to tell you, but for younger ones, our role as parent is to be caring and careful, and aware of non-verbal communication. Sling users usually worry (in the early stages with small babies) about over-spreading hips, as babies cry when they are uncomfortable, and children vary in their hip flexibility. This is why many carriers are “cinched” in when they are too big. Always listen to your child. If they are comfortable, and happily able to move their legs at the knee, and legs do not seem to be dragging down but are well supported, you may not need to size up just yet.

Fourthly, is your child growing taller as well? This may be more of a problem than the width of a sling if a child has a very long body and is able lean back too far from a panel that is too short. If your child leans back too far they may unbalance you. Keeping yourself and your child safe is more important than being knee to knee.

If your child is happy in their current carrier, that is good news. If they are not, and legs seem to be dangling unsupported in more of an A shape, or they are able to lean back, it may be time to consider another, bigger carrier. It might help to look in the mirror to assess your child’s leg position and how much back support they have.

3) Is it unsafe to use a carrier that is too small?

It depends on the child, and the parent! As I have pointed out in my Healthy Hips article, there is little evidence that a “narrow” seat will be harmful to any child beyond the age of six months, and even before then, the risk is low. So an older child, especially when they can bear their own weight on their legs, is not at risk of damage from not being perfectly knee to knee. They may not be as comfy as they could be if the carrier is very small and they end up with legs dangling in an A shape (this could be tiring for a child, and lead to red marks on the inside of the thighs). Let your child be your guide. I usually suggest that a carrier that supports at least to mid-thigh and allows a comfy seat with knees at right angles or a little less for older children, is fine to use.

Many big brand carriers such as Beco, Boba, Ergo and Manduca to name just a few, say that their carriers are safe to use well into toddlerhood, long after some people would feel their babies were too big for them (they are all formally safety tested). Sometimes it can seem that people are in a hurry to move out of a “standard” size carrier, before it is really necessary. Again, check your positioning, and do get some help from your local sling consultant/peer supporter/library/sling meet if you are unsure. One size does not fit all, some babies are big, some toddlers are small, some parents find bigger carriers more comfy for them, some parents find smaller carriers work better for their frames. Each carrier has its own specifications too. Some are narrow, some are short-panelled, some are wide, some are tall, some have buckles that insert very low and can squash baby thighs, etc. It is all dependent on the individual situation, and what works for one baby and parent may not work for another. Skill levels vary too, as does child compliance – a contented baby may be happy for the parent to take the time to maximise positioning, others may resist.

If you have a half buckle, or a meh dai, there are ways to tie the shoulder straps to come beneath the child’s knee, to further extend the width of the support offered by the panel itself.

4) Is it unsafe to use a carrier that is too large?

This is a more complex issue. The crucial issue to consider is child safety, based on the ABC and the TICKS guidelines. A child should not be invisible inside a carrier that is too tall, as this could be a risk to their airway and their breathing. This is one reason why many carriers have inserts, to raise children higher up the panel so their faces are visible at all times and chin can be kept off chest. I would rather see a child that was in a carrier slightly too short in the body, than in one that has too tall a panel.

As for the width and knee to knee… here is a photo to illustrate the difference. A carrier that is too wide will make a child’s legs stick out straight, or he will strain against the fabric to bend his knee (which may lead to red marks, even if no voiced complaint at the time). He may feel some strain at his inner thigh if he cannot bend his knee in this hip-extended position (see the chair illustration above). Sometimes it can be suggested that the panel could be “cinched in” with something like a webbing belt, or a ribbon, etc and this may, if there is no alternative, make the carrier much more comfy as he is now able to bend his knee in the M shape. However, this will invalidate the warranty of the carrier and place strain at the waistband.

Also, by bringing the knees up higher, the angle that the hips need to open at the groin is reduced, as the joint is able to rotate more easily. *Please note that this is a hack that is rarely recommended ; if it is not in the instructions it will invalidate any warranty.*

Summary

Every parent, child and carrier combination is individual, and needs assessing as such. Many carriers that are not knee to knee may well be able to be used for your child for longer than you might expect, so there may not need to be a great rush to size up. Buying new carriers for many is great fun – if you are going to buy something too big for your child to grow into, do ensure it is comfortable for them, and not too tall. You may have more time in your current carrier than you think, to give you time to find the next carrier (if needed).

But what about the Superman Sleepy Nico at the start? Is it OK?  I think we can all agree that the little SuperBaby will be OK to enjoy his special carrier for a while longer yet.


The Pelvic Tuck

What is the pelvic tuck or scoop?

I am often asked by carers who want to carry their children safely and comfortably “what is a pelvic tuck and how do I do it?”

Babies are born with gently curved spines, and usually prefer to rest in this tucked posture when they are relaxed. Arching the spine and “starfishing” can (for some) be an attempt to communicate discomfort or distress. Sleeping and relaxed babies can usually be found with their knees drawn up into a comfortable “M shape”; this is normal behaviour, and it is how most babies rest on their parents, perching on the broad secure base of the carer’s forearm. From this broad base, babies’ chests can be properly supported against the parent’s body, thereby avoiding slumping over and restricting airways.

This “squat” positioning also helps to encourage healthy hip development. Studies have shown that the rates of hip dysplasia are lower in communities that carry children on the hip or back frequently, as the posture adopted for this promotes optimum growth of the hip joint. (see here for more information on hip dysplasia and slings).

The pelvic tuck/scoop technique of encouraging a child to sit in a position that creates a “J shape” (from the side) or an “M shape” (from the front) in a carrier is therefore very helpful. Such positioning is more comfortable, more respectful of anatomy, and also helps preserve open airways. The aim is to raise the knees up, allowing the bottom to settle downwards into the classic “M shape”.

pelvic tuck and m shape

When demonstrating, I suggest that carers imagine they are scooping two curls of ice-cream towards themselves with both hands; and then repeat this action as they hold their child’s thighs gently between thumb and fingers. Another way of thinking about it is to imagine they are holding two glasses of water in front of themselves, and then pour the water out away from them.

This rotates baby’s femoral head in the socket. The photos and videos below show this in action.

Creating this broader base seat for a younger child will also help to make a narrow base carrier more comfy and feel more stable and supportive. A simple scarf can be used to support the legs in this “M shape” once the pelvis has been tilted and knees raised above bottom.

sling faq pelvic tuck professionals training

The pelvic tuck is less important for older babies and toddlers; as children get older, the ability to actively move around in the sling becomes more important while they are awake. The key thing is to ensure they are comfortable and their legs are not dragging down or tiring them; the carrier no longer needs to be knee to knee for older children.